Well, as much as I was looking forward to it I was very uncomfortable at my friend's baby shower today. Don't get me wrong I am super excited for her. You would think that after a certain period of time that it would become easier to celebrate the coming of a new life. It was not her baby shower specifically, it is ALL baby showers. I feel like an outsider, I get depressed and it just plain hurts!!! That is the only way I know how to describe it.
Both of my really good friends are getting ready to have a baby in the next couple of months. I can't live under a rock until all this passes. How do I deal with the fact that I will never have that experience? God has promised me that there will be children in my life for me to love. I know that this is true because I have already seen the results of that promise.
I am starting to wonder if I just haven't forgiven myself for not being able to have a baby. Having a baby has been the one dream that I have always had! Granted I did have the opportunity to go through fertility treatments, but I just didn't have the strength at the time and now I regret it. I let myself down. That is all it comes down to. So instead of being able to forgive myself for not going through with the whole process I punish myself every time someone close to me has a baby.
I still have one more baby shower and two births to get through (that I know of so far)! Where do I go from here? How do I get past my inability to cope with a simple party? How do I keep from grieving every time some one I love has a baby?
Desperately in need of answers!!!
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